well well well...been long time nv blog liao...he has been extremely nice to me...which is a bit scary...anyway...this 2 mths..

ytd was fun fun fun....cooking day....yummy...everyone in my family praise me...thanks guys for your courage to eat the food i cook...my 2 sweetest babies ate too...cookie came up to me and said " yummy yummy"....so swt of her...for dessert we had chocosimu....which was yummy too...hohoho....eating non stop...

well...almost a week has past already...life still not tt prefect for me ba....i still feel heart pain and alot of hurt...had a fighting over the sms....wat he sae me has really really hurt me so much...all i can do was break dw and cry....nth i could back..watever i sae him..he gave me back double blow...hurt hurt hurt is wat im feeling nw...i wish i could be happy..but im juz lying to every single ppl on this earth...they see me luffing and cheerful..cracking jokes with them...im sad..so sad inside...everyting seem to be gng against me..y must i suffer so much????....

he sae watever he do...i will feel nth...all these yrs...all the hurt and pain...tears and concern and worry towards him are all fake...i nv knew he could suspect my feelings towards him...he nv trust me....

i guess...this is where our r/s will end up...

**** heart broken and despressed ******

well...is me again..cooling off perio huh...he msg me and we quarrel again..lack of understanding or lack of trust...why cant he trust me..i NV betray him....why keep tinking that im betraying him...i already sae i did not..why why why why

%#$*!%*#%&#%&!$!$)!%#$@%_%!

well....guess i will be blogging regularly cause i totally dont how to express my feelings out to ppl...found someting ytd...was gng throu my disc and i found some photos of us and a ppt...i rmb i did the ppt for him...i gave it to him...guess my heart hurt so much i didnt noe wat to do...i wrote him a 3 page long letter stating my feelings and problem...i wonder wat he tinks...mayb he is very happy cause there is no gf ard and he can do watever he want..maybe he is not sad at all..he juz live his live happily without me...wat if he is not sad??? wat am i to him???...
just a puppet...im really lost...i lost my direction in life...i try to make myself bz...doing alot of stuff...but deep down im lonely...so lonely...i dun wish to go out...coz going out means i have to see couple..but staying at home makes me ttm...i wan to make this 2mths so packed i dun have time to tink bt him...but i always tink bt him...i noe he is managing well..cause there was hardly any sms from him...i guess he is fine...im not...

i wish i wish i wish.....how long must i wish???....

my life is crushing down on me now...nv realised we will end up in tis kind of relationship...im trying to be brave...keep luffing...being the cheerful me...deep down...im feeling so bloody sad tt i wish i could walk in front of a car...bang me...make me lose my memories of him...i dun wan to rmb him..i dun wan to rmb anyting about him...i dun wan dun wan...i feeling so misery inside...i dun wan ppl to worry bt me..i only can cry at nite...i do not wan ppl to see my tears..to realise how much i miss him so much...he was my everyting..i noe im still young...but i really lk him alot...i need a lot alot of sad songs...to make me cry...i wan to cry....im holding on too much...i wan to break down...who can i turn to...if i turn to steven..he will sure be angry with me...im acting brave in front of all...im not alright..i miss him so much..but this have to be settled one day...
we can still pretend nth has happened...but the problem will always be there...we will quarrel bt the same ting over and over again..haiz...he is one strange guy...one moment he is loving and nice...next moment he is lk a monster...

i guess after all these years...i still have not changed at all...im still a sadist...haiz...after so long...i always tot i have recovered...mayb i should go and see doctor...without letting anyone know..i should go book a appt and go look for the doctor...i guess should i require any medication...i should stop running away...from the fact i still suffer alot from depression??....mayb i really tink too much...tt's y im suffering so much...

*** i promise i will slim down in 2mths time and let you see the new me and i will live happily without you this 2mths.... ****